Arugula Fail

I don't know how I made it through the day without ending up on the 6 o'clock news.  Work was horrible today!  Let me tell you what I was subjected to...

So every Wednesday my boss goes to a 2 hour long business lunch with people from local businesses.  They schmooze and try to help get referrals for the other businesses.  Being a peon, I have never attended such a function since it is usually reserved for branch managers and loan officers--neither of which apply to my current station in life.  So imagine my surprise, when 45 minutes before it starts, I am told that I have to attend because no one else can go.  Oh, and I was told I had to give a 2 minute presentation.  In front of 30 people.  On a topic I know nothing about, so it's unlikely I can answer any of their questions.  And I get to buy my own lunch.  Oh, and this is a "working lunch" so I don't get to take a real lunch hour.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?  I got so mad!  I had no notice or warning, so I looked like a slob.  Our mandatory logo wear at work consists of various shades of brown and gray.  SUPER FLATTERING.  I had no idea where this place was or what on Earth I was supposed to pretend to talk about.  I am not a schmoozer! 

So fuming, I tried to prepare myself as best I could.  I had to leave in like 5 minutes so I grabbed a yellow legal pad.  I think yellow legal pads say, "I can be taken seriously because I won't take notes on just any kind of paper."  They add a little touch of class.  That's what I was going for anyway.  I dug out my name tag that I never wear and tried put it on straight (sort of).  I put a fancy clip on a stack of my business cards.  Time was running out and I couldn't find a nice looking folder or portfolio anywhere.  I brought some cute folders from home for my desk at work.  There are three of them..  They say, "Someone called... about.. something.", "Why yes, I am overqualified.", & "Just file it under: Who Cares"...  Somehow none of these seemed professional and/or appropriate for my business lunch.  So all I could find was a bent manila folder that said "LIZ" in purple sharpie on the front.

I made it to the restaurant and was pointed to the back room where the meeting was being held.  A nice gentleman told me what was expected of me as a "substitute."  I would have to give a 2 minute presentation on whatever product we were promoting this week.  He told me to pick a seat in the giant "U" shape formation of tables.  All the outside seats were taken, so I sit inside the "U" between two old men who kept "accidentally" touching my legs under the table.  I was sitting right across from Barbie herself.

Before the meeting started, the waitress came around to take my order.  How come I never went to this cool restaurant BEFORE my diet?  The least offensive thing on the menu seemed to be an arugula salad with grilled chicken.  Lo and behold, Barbie had ordered the same thing.  Except she got her dressing on the side, automatically making me look like a fat slob.  Point 1 to Barbie.

The meeting starts and we go around the table and stand to make an introduction of our name/business and our presentations.  I'm somewhere in the middle of the line-up.  I was too nervous to start eating my salad.  I didn't want it to be my turn and then have to try to pick arugula out of my teeth and stumble to stand up.  So I just waited until it was my turn.  Barbie owns a hair salon, I found out.  SHOCKING.

I think my presentation went okay.  I was nervous and a little shaky.  But I think I faked it pretty well.  Finally, I sat back down and started eating my salad.  It was quite good.  But I hadn't anticipated that even though it was okay to eat while other people were speaking..  Everyone was somehow doing it silently so they could pay attention to the other presenters..  I was trying to concentrate on not scraping my fork in the bowl while nodding my head to pretend like I was listening.  My arugula kept falling off my fork just as it was about to go into my mouth.  It was a long, awkward, silent dance between me and the arugula.  Guess who looked better eating a salad in silence?  Point 2 for Barbie.

It took me about an hour and a half to eat that salad.  It was quite good though.  Maybe I appreciated it so much because I was starving slowly and had so much time to savor it.  This meeting was serious though.  They talked about all kinds of things I had no clue about.  There was like a president and a vice president..  They took down minutes.  To get into this group, you have to have a sponsor and submit an application and get approved.  Everyone had their tablets and Blackberrys and leather bound notebooks.  And I am dressed like a coffee bean with a bent manila folder and a crooked name tag.  Fat girl eatin' a salad here!  It was so awkward.

The torturous meeting was finally over.. but no one left!  It just meant freestyle schmoozing.  I tried to edge my way to freedom, but the door was being blocked by a tall, thin man.  He introduced himself and shook my hand.  He asked if we could have a one on one so he could get to know more about me.  He was an older guy, so I don't think he was a weirdo.  I heard them talk about having one on one's amongst the group during the meeting.  I thought he was just going to ask me some stuff about work, so I said okay.  Then I looked at his name tag.  Franklin....  Franklin the health/life coach.  So to add insult to injury, let's coach the fat girl on how to not be fat.  I felt so miserable.  Oh and I don't really remember agreeing, but it must have happened.. because I have a meeting with Franklin at 11:00 on Friday at Panera for our one on one..  How do these kinds of things happen to me?  I blame my boss for this.  I'm praying he has Franklin's card so I can cancel before it's too late.  I don't even know how to get in touch with him!  Franklin tricked me....

I was told my boss should probably pay me back for the lunch if I turn in a receipt.  So I did an extra tip on top of the already included gratuity out of spite.  One $16 salad later, I'm trying to skulk out the door when Barbie introduces herself and gives me a big, fake smile.  One of those, "You don't belong here" smiles.  I try to match her fake smile with an even bigger one and try to be even more aloof than she is.  I am a grown woman!  I will not be made to feel inferior by a bimbo with turquoise highlights in her hair!

I made it out to my car and looked in the rear-view mirror only to find........... arugula in my two front teeth.  Point 3 to Barbie.  No wonder I look like a need a life coach.

I called Cliff on my way back to work and was almost in tears while relaying my heinous "lunch" experience.  I stopped at Publix to get a Diet Coke and use the bathroom.  I didn't go at the restaurant because I desperately wanted to get out of there.  Besides, where would I put my manila folder?  There was a giant display of Pirate's Booty outside the bathroom.  I've never had it, but I've heard it was good so I grabbed a giant bag to console myself.  At the checkout, I did the proper conveyer belt etiquette and put a divider between my order and the old lady's in front of me.  Except she wouldn't MOVE UP when it was her turn...  She was hassling the poor cashier because she got 18 different kinds of apples and was complaining that they should be on sale.  All the while, her grubby hands are on my Booty!  I wanted to chunk an apple at her head.

I finally made it back to work.. defeated... to face the rest of my miserable afternoon.  And there in the parking lot was my wonderful, sweet husband with a bouquet of daisies.  I just started crying!  I think the whole lunch thing was tied up with me feeling fat and inferior.  I would like to think that even if I was thin and pretty I would still be nice to people!

So that was my day...  Horrible... but then salvaged by my Cliffy.  I'm glad I stuck to my diet and didn't eat something bad at the restaurant and I just had water to drink.  I actually tried the Pirate's Booty when I got home and it's pretty good.  No, I did not eat the entire bag.

I have not weighed myself this whole time!  I guess I will tomorrow before the head doctor so I at least know what to expect....  I'll keep you posted!