I guess I haven't posted lately because I don't like to post the bad things. My blog is supposed to be fun and funny and I don't want to be a downer. But I've definitely been struggling the last few days.
Over the weekend I allowed myself to have my "free day" as usual. And I have just NOT wanted to get back on track since then. I'm mad. I resent the fact that I can't eat the foods I love more often. I'm mad at myself that I let myself get this way. And even when I have a small feat--choosing the apple even though I don't want it, or working out even when I'm tired and it would be much easier to stay home--I'm not happy about it. I'm not proud of myself that I made that one, good decision. I'm just frustrated and resent every bite of that apple and every step on that treadmill.
I know that losing weight and maintaining it will be a life long struggle for me. I get that. And if I gave into temptation I know I would feel worse and more ashamed--not better. But that doesn't really make it any easier. There are times when I just want shove the nearest thing into my mouth regardless of what it is. Not because I'm hungry but because I have an overwhelming urge to eat. It's like my drug, I swear. And more than once I have stopped myself by thinking, "If I eat that, I'm choosing to do so. I'm choosing to stay fat." I just can't go back to that. There's no future in it.
But even though I can control myself here and there doesn't mean the urges go away. It's getting harder and harder to deal with. I don't know what to do to make myself feel happier about it all. I never thought losing weight was going to be a cake walk (Cake!) but I have to make myself believe it's possible. I desperately want to be thin and goodness knows I'm trying. But I see my old habits coming out and it scares me. It's the intense inner battle that I never really expected.
I know part of the reason I'm so down is because I'm tired. I have to wake up around 5:00 a.m. to go to work. I get home around 5:00 p.m. I go to the gym after work for about an hour. And then I have to come home and do homework for awhile. By this time I'm exhausted but I have to make my lunch for the next day, do laundry, whatever... I rarely get 8 hours of sleep a night. More like 5-6 hours. I just don't know how to cram it all in though. I have to workout. I have to do homework. And most unfortunately, I have to go to work.
So here you have it. My "woe is me" blog. I know it's just a slump and I'll get past it. (I hope.) But I'm still reminding myself that I don't have Ebola yet (there was a close call) and things could be worse.
9 comments:
Yes, things could be worse. You could have high blood pressure and diabetes and kidney failure and have to be hooked up to a dialysis machine for half of your waking time. What you are doing now, the exercise and diet are going to SAVE you from this fate. So, it's not just about what your mouth WANTS to taste, it's about what happens to your body after the tastebuds are "happy". I understand food addiction. It is as powerful as any addiction. And, some people NEVER have will power. But, that doesn't matter, they can still succeed. Even if there is no mind over matter will power that works, then just DON'T BUY the offending foods. If it's not in your house or you refuse to order it at a restaurant, then there is nothing detrimental to eat. Perhaps don't have a FREE day where you eat whatever you want, because that may be like an alcholic only drinking one day a week, it may make them WANT the alchohol MORE the other 6 days, than if they just gave up the drinking totally. Just make up your mind not to BUY anything offending. True, when you go to someones
s house and they have something, perhaps you can have ONE TASTE and then cut it off. I have heard that the best tastes of foods are the first taste. So, you can have that first taste, but stop there. In other words.....If you have one taste or TEN tastes, you will probably STILL want to eat more, so just stopping at the first taste is really not worse than stopping after the 4th bite, or 10th bite. Does that make sense? This wouldn't work at home, if you have junk food in the house, but it would work well at a party or at someone's house. Just because you are down and tired today, doesn't mean that you will be tomarrow. You work hard, but you get a nice paycheck out of it. You study hard for school, but you will get a degree out of it, giving you more control or choices in the future. And, you work out hard but you are getting a stronger and more attractive body out of it. AND, you eat carefully, but you are getting a healthier body out of it. TRY, to get more sleep, that will help, try going to bed earlier, like by cutting out t.v. ASK for help preparing your lunches or something that someone can help out with. So, while you are facing hard challenges you are getting re-paid in positive results for every thing you do. PERSEVERE!!! It's a great trait and strength. Be proud of yourself!!! You ARE doing good. And, even writing a "downer" blog is a step in the right direction, because that is reaching out for help or support and advice, whereas before maybe you wouldn't have done that, but rather kept hidden your disappointments. So....keep up the good work.
I don't buy junk food. But it doesn't have to be junk food. If there's a granola bar there, I will want to eat it--just because. It's just the urge to mindlessly eat--whatever it is.
And I shouldn't say free day.. It's more like a free meal. I'm usually good for the rest of the day. I just don't think it's realistic to say I'll never eat those things again.. or have one bite. Who has the willpower to do that? I just don't think I do.
Yes, things could be worse.. But I still feel blah.
I agree w/ Mom that writing out your thoughts is a step in the right direction. Like Jillian said this week on TBL ... to Aubrey I think ... "You have to ASK for help." So that is good that you are doing that. I feel bad b/c I wasn't able to go to the gym with this week in the evenings b/c of J's work schedule & the kids ... so that maybe contributed to your mood? Not as much fun to go by yourself? Anyway - I'm proud that you are still going (& I have the pics to prove it!)
You have accomplished a lot already & you have every right to be proud of it ... proud that you took that apple instead of what you-know-who eats (smacking/chomping in your ear all day long! LOL)
I think I agree w/ Mom re: the free day ... in part. I know a free day in your mind gives you some lee-way ... some freedom. But the analogy with an alcoholic hit it right on the money, I think. Perhaps a free DAY isn't the right thing for you @this point ... more like maybe one free MEAL a week ... like Fri / Sat ... but get back on Sunday to start the week right. No, it's not fair ... but it is what it is & you have to work with what IS.
JMO ... I can help prepare your lunches in advance ... I hadn't thought of that before, so I apologize. I'd be happy to do that ... We'll talk more! =) LOVE YA! You are doing great ... you are feeling it / seeing some changes already & I know that makes you feel good. Focus on the positive. I know that you know it's not easy (or necessarily fun) ... BUT - it is the rest of your life we're talking about. And you're worth it!
I think we posted @the same time. So you clarified the free MEAL aspect ... lol And I know you don't have junk food in the house ... but yes - "goldfish" aren't necessarily junk food, but if you eat the entire bag that is not good for you either ... lol So I know what you're talking about ...just mindless eating. But that's what it is MINDLESS. That's why it's important (& I know you're doing this) that you are THINKING about what it is you're putting in your mouth. That's why it makes no sense to drink a soft drink or a lemonade or an iced tea w/ 200+ calories, when you can save those calories for something better ... something that counts! Anyway - I think willpower is a bunch of crap. No need to put yourself in a "dangerous" situation & tempt your "will power." I just have to stay away ... which isn't always easy in THIS house. But I know y'all don't have a bunch of junk in your house ... but still - it's the mindless eating / snacking that we have to be cautious of ... whether it's @home or if it's at a restaurant when they bring the bread bowl or chips, ya know? Sorry for the book ... lol but I just wanted to add that ... =)
I am so proud of you! You ook great, I can tell in the new picture of you!! I know its hard, I am dealing with a lot of the same issues, believe it or not! Keep it up!
Love Ya!
ONE MORE THING & then I swear I am done ... lol OK - Re: TV / Sleep. I know that we watch WAY too much Bravo / TLC ... lol So I guess we can stand to cut some of that out?! Or save it for weekends ... if time even allows it then. I guess I'm willing to give it a go ... sleep & weight loss are directly related ... I have recently read. So you might not be doing yourself any favors by not getting enough sleep (I think at least 7 hours). Homework is necessary, of course ... but TV of course we can live without (somewhat! lol) Who knows - maybe we'll be staying up too late just playing SKIP-BO all the time?! ROTFLMAO!!!!!! =) ha ha ha
MAGGIE! Your comments made me want to cry--because it's all true. Sigh. You know me so well. Okay, I can wait until the weekend to wait until the weekend to watch Housewives but I draw the line at Lost!!!!!
I know I should ask for help.. But I just feel like I'm disappointing people. Much to mine and Sandra's dismay, the weight has not been "melting off". I hate it because I know all the rules and I know what works. But sticking with it is getting to me finally.. and it really wasn't when I first started. I know that physically I can do it.. But I'm just scared that mentally I won't allow myself!
Yes, I think it is a MENTAL issue (lol) ... could you be SCARED to be @the point you are now ... where you are determined to lose the weight? For real?! You said before that you don't know what it's like to be thin ... so are you scared of the unknown? Almost sabotaging yourself mentally ... since you're scared of actually doing it?! Not knowing how this will affect the rest of your life ... your relationships ... your accomplishments. LMK what ya think about this. =) Knowledge is power ... so if you know this about yourself - you can overcome it.
Goody Puddy morning! A little bird told me that you are doing really well and are looking sharp! Do people say "sharp" anymore? Good job!
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