(My actual tennis shoes)That's not even a joke. I've been walking in mostly flip-flops. But Sunday I spied the missing tennies behind a potted plant. Eureka! My feet will thank me.
The rest of this post is mostly from an email I send to Sandra. It's been on my mind a lot! Here goes...
All last week I was like so into my diet/exercise and motivated. And I still am.. but last night I started to get scared. I know I'm overweight because I'm an emotional eater. I can pinpoint when I started to gain weight--when I was 8 years old and I lost my sister. I guess it was subconscious then.. Because until my mom pointed it out like a year ago, I never really made a connection. But after thinking about it, I mostly over-eat when I'm stressed out or upset.
So last night I was freaking out. How can I ever stop this cycle? What happens when I lose the weight and something else happens and makes me emotional and want to eat? That's life. So how do I deal with it like a normal person and not like I always have for practically my entire life?
It's not like I used to be thin and put on some weight. I don't know a skinny version of myself... Or how to BE a skinny version of myself. I guess my ultimate fear is that I'll lose weight and still won't be happy with myself.. that it won't be good enough and I'll put it all back on... I need to fix what the problem is.. what's at the root of the weight gain.. And I don't know how!
I came to the harsh realization that other people love me but I don't love me! Not usually anyway. I know I'm a pretty good person... and sometimes I think I have a pretty face.. But I've never really been happy with myself. I've never NOT worried about the way I look. With every tub of ice cream and bag of chips I'm proving that I don't love myself. And that's wrong! I want to. I do. I know I can lose the weight. As twisted as it is.. Sometimes I feel like I don't deserve it!
That's definitely why I'm not outgoing or try to make friends. I don't want to put myself out there. I know it's not like anyone would outright make fun of me to my face. But I don't want to be "the funny, fat friend", you know? I'm more than that.. But that's the most visible thing about me. Even when I walk into a store I just feel like I'm being judged.. Even if people aren't... I just get all self conscious. Like at the grocery store... I think everyone's looking to see what I have in my cart. And then if I have healthy foods in my cart, I think they're all looking at me with pity and seeing a fat girl who's hopelessly trying to be skinny.
It's so insulting when someone says, "You have such a pretty face..." They're making it glaringly obvious that the rest of you is most definitely NOT pretty. Thanks.
No more excuses! I HAVE to do it this time! I'm so tired of being who I am now. I want more and I want to be happy! I don't want to lose weight for anyone else--just for me and my own reasons. I know I have an awesome personality and am beautiful on the inside (and modest too). But I deserve to be beautiful on the outside! I want my body to match my "pretty face".
So how do you start over? It's more than food and exercise.. That's the part I'm trying to figure out.. One pound at a time.
2 comments:
Very astute ... when did you have this deep thinking last night ? After you left ... you were ESSS-SITED after watching Ruby??!!! You go girl ... yes, you must love yourself first.
1) VERY nice shoes; you can go far in those. 2)at least you know what triggered your looking for security and consolation and comfort in food; Ruby does not know yet. Between un-addressed shock and sadness, growing up/hormonal changes and being part Hungarian, you were one well overwhelmed little girl. At least you are "catching" it when you are in your 20's. Some people never do, or wait until their health is ruined. Now is the time, as you have found to face the "beast" as Ruby calls it and I agree. You have to look at it as a lifestyle CHANGE. It's not a "diet". It's your life that you want to live well and for as long as you can in health. So, put on those shiny silver shoes and WALK girl, walk. Walk your way to health and happiness and let go of the buried sadness. We all have a good future. Love, MOM
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